Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
