Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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