Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
