I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Someone shit on the floor
the condom got lost in my hair
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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