can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't shave. On purpose
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
