i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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