After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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