I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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