It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
