So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
On this version of āDean Canāt Be a Normal Fucking Human,ā I told a guy Iād shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
