I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
