i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you never un-have a 4some
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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