I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
