I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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