Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
