a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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