as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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