Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
