New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
