Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
