I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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