Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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