Betty ford says i'm here all night
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
