I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
