I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
