he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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