Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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