I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
