I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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