I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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