Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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