Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
