Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
