Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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