YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We are all done wearing pants today
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
