Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
