We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
