I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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