I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
