I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
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She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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