MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
