the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
our cab driver is having phone sex.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
