so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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