He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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