so explain again why im purple
no
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
