I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
