Michael Bay diarrhea
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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