I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
