I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
the liver wants what the liver wants
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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