I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
