If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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