I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
