I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
