the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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