She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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