Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
