shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
