Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
