You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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